This is a sermon I did in church recently. However, it is tied to the mission work that Celia and I do, so I think it is not inappropriate to share it here.

I was asked to speak on “Listening Well.” It is interesting because that is the main thing we teach in the Philippines. Celia teaches clinical chaplaincy and pastoral counseling— the biggest single skill in these is Active or Attentive Listening. I assist in these as well. I also teach Cultural Anthropology and Dialogue with Asian Faiths— two missions topics that focus on listening and observing.

So one day I was teaching a class, and one of my wife’s students was in the class. So I had a great idea. I asked for a student to volunteer to come up and sit in a chair. James sat down, and I stood up and asked him to share what was going on in his life. And he started talking. I would fumble with my phone while he talked. I would cut in on what he was saying. I would change the topic to something I am more interested in. I would see someone else I recognized and be distracted. I would keep track of the time and make it clear that I am not really paying attention to what he is saying. I don’t want to brag, but I am REALLY good at being a bad listener. That hardly makes me special or unique. Statistically speaking, it is likely that you are a bad listener too.

Then I asked Anna, Celia’s trainee, to come up and take my place. She sat down right, faced James, but not eye-to-eye, and invited him to share. She gave her full attention to James, ignored everything else going on around them. She used body language to inform him that she is interested in what he is saying and that she is trying to understand. Occasionally she would make comments or simple questions to draw out more from him, and made it clear that she was concerned by how he was feeling as much as what he was saying. She did a really good job.

After the exercise I asked for a critique of our two conversations. The first student gave an interesting response. He said, “Anna cared about James while you did not.” Others in the class nodded their heads in agreement. But notice a key point here. They were NOT saying, “Anna cared about what James was SAYING and you did not.” It was “She cared about James.” but I did not. Now that isn’t necessarily true. Perhaps I cared deeply and Anna was just going through the motions.

Perhaps. But if you were talking to someone… pouring out what is important to you and the other person is easily distracted and moving to take over the conversation and change the subject… what would your thoughts be? That person does not care! Of course.

Step 1. Shut Up and Give the Gift of Attention

My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak… James 1:19

A friend of ours who was a chaplain with the BGAV would say, “The greatest gift you can give someone is your full intention, trying your best to understanding what they are .”

And, I KNOW, this is hard because… well… maybe you are talking to someone. And they seem nice… but there head is so full of wrong or boring thoughts. You want to turn up the FM station in your head… or maybe you look around for some excuse to cut the conversation short. Or maybe your own amazing thoughts dazzle in comparison to his dull thoughts and so your centered focus is on what you will say and how you can jump in and take over the conversation as your way to bless them with your words as precious jewels flowing from your mouth.

He who answers before listening— That is his folly and his shame. -Prov. 18:13

Understand that the terms translated as “folly” and “shame” are stronger than we in the US usually view them. It is probably more accurate to translate this as,

“A person who answers without or before listening is morally and socially repugnant!”

Reversing it, a wise and honorable person listens intently before speaking. It is strange that we all kind of think that, but often don’t act on that. We complain about physicians, or dentists, teachers, bosses, neighbors, maybe spouses or children or parents who don’t really listen to us when we are expressing something important. Yet when we have the power to act outside of ourselves, we often don’t demonstrate that we value listening. Church members often call Pastors based on how well they preach. In fact, we often call them “preachers.” We don’t call them “listeners” and don’t normally evaluate them on how well they listen. But maybe we should.

In politics we commonly evaluate politicians by their ability to give speeches and debate— two of the more useless life skills.

What if we evaluated the competence to lead by the ability to listen to many different people and perspectives? That is far from ridiculous. The Bible appears to support such a standard. Proverb 11:14 says that leaders lead wisely through listening to many people and views.

Step 2. Don’t Ignore Your Feelings, but “Bracket Them”

My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires. James 1:19-20

I teach a class called Dialogue with Asian Faiths. The class goes through major Asian faiths such as Judaism, Islam, Hinduism, Sikhism, Buddhism, and Taoism, as well as a dozen smaller religions and ideologies. However, we spend the first few weeks learning how to interact with people of other faiths. It should be easy… but somehow it isn’t.

One of my students was Nigerian. He was raised up in a devoutly Muslim family, in a strongly Muslim tribe. When he was 20 years old, he became a Christian and was (sadly) shunned by his family and community. Years later he went to seminary. In my class where we were getting ready to study Islam, Yusef asked if he could lead the class. ABSOLUTELY, and we agreed that he would lead the class as if he was Muslim– providing an insider perspective. As he was sharing Islamic doctrine from a Muslim perspective, members of the class started getting uncomfortable and began arguing with him; and because Yusef is good at answering their arguments, the members of the class began to get more frustrated and even angry. Eventually, I had to jump in. The class is about how dialogue is a better method for interacting with people of other faiths than argument. In the class we try to learn and practice listening well. Yet even in the classroom with someone who is, in reality, a Christian, the members of the class were falling into unhealthy habits. How much more is it likely when talking to a person who is actually from a different faith.

It is not wrong to get angry, I suppose. Anger happens and it is good to be aware of it and acknowledge it. But don’t let it sabotage relationships and ministry. Acknowledging the anger and frustration but setting it off to the side for awhile, is called bracketing.

Another one of my students is from Vietnam and was expressing a challenge that his church has. The members of his church would visit their Buddhist neighbors to share the gospel with them. But when they go into their neighbor’s homes, they see the little shrine in the corner of the living room with pictures, fruit and incense sticks to honor their ancestors and pray. The church members would invariably get angry about it and start to argue with their neighbors. No surprise, the church members were not invited back. Twon, in reflecting on this in class, wondered— why would we get angry at Buddhists for behaving like Buddhists? Good question.

As far as we can tell, Jesus did not get angry at Samaritans for acting like Samaritans. Jesus did not get angry at Phoenicians for acting like Phoenicians. Jesus did not get angry at “publicans and sinners” for acting like “publicans and sinners.” Or maybe He did. But if He did… He was able to set that off to the side, bracketing it, while He ministered to them. Jesus did get angry, publically, with the servants of God, spiritual leaders of the Jews… but because they were NOT behaving like true servants of God, as sound spiritual leaders of the Jews.

Step 3. Listen for Meaning— Where Facts and Feelings Intersect

The intentions of a man’s heart are deep waters, but a man of understanding draws them out. Proverbs 20:5

There are several uses for communication. Three of the most important of them are:

-Referential: Transfer information— sharing information and asking for information.

-Emotive: Share feelings, emotions, values, motivations

-Phatic: Establishing social connection (Source: 6 Functions of Language, Roman Jacobson)

The verse says that a wise person— a man of understanding— does not just focus on facts… on information. Rather, a wise person, seeks to understand the intentions of the heart— feelings, emotions, values, and motivations. That means one has to listen for feelings words, note intonations, body language. Ask questions to draw them out. Clarify misunderstandings, establish a relationship of trust. Listen intently without being quick to judge. Value what is said.

Understanding intentions is important because it helps us to understand meaning. If we misread intentions, we end up guessing their intentions and their meaning. Very commonly we guess wrong— and guess in a self-serving manner. I am going to say something a bit touchy here… so try to bracket your emotions a bit. It is so weird coming back to the US, especially during an election year because the two major political camps here like to say that the other side is “trying to destroy America.” Now I must admit that I don’t pay much that much attention to either group over here, because I live in the Philippines most of the time… but I suspect neither side is trying to destroy America. That is most likely a convenient excuse to justify not listening to what the other side has to say. Probably both sides want the best for their home country, but simply have different ideas on how to make that happen— as well as a different idea of what such a better country would look like. Rather than simply reacting to things from others, it is better to listen with the head and the heart— drawing out intentions to understand meaning.

Step 4. Respond to Them… respectfully and gently.

But in your hearts revere Christ as Lord. Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect, -I Peter 3:15

At risk of stating the obvious, you cannot answer everyone who asks unless you first understand what they don’t understand. That means listening to the head and the heart as noted before. And then respond as best you can. Don’t repeat a clever answer that you heard from some Christian debate bro on Youtube. Respond gently… as you would want someone else to respond to a question you have. Answer respectfully, meaning you treat them like a human— a unique and special creation of God.

Step 5. Now Learn to Listen to God

I suspect James was very intentional when he was writing chapter 1 of his epistle. Perhaps his focus was on listening to and obeying God… but he starts with listening to other people. Regardless, my theory is that James understands that the way to learn to listen to God comes through first learning to listen to people around us. The same skills apply.

— Shut up and give God your full attention.

— Don’t ignore your feelings, but bracket them. God will tell us things that challenge us— things we don’t like. But don’t immediately react or else the first thing we do is try to figure out why this is not what God is saying, or why it applies to someone else, and not us.

— Don’t focus on facts. Learn to listen for the heart of God (God’s feelings, motivations, values and intentions) to start to understand what God means.

— Respond gently and respectfully. Or putting it another way, as Peter did in I Peter 3:15, “In your hearts, revere Christ as Lord.”

After we have learned to listen to others, James brings it to God.

Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says. 23 Anyone who listens to the word but does not do what it says is like someone who looks at his face in a mirror 24 and, after looking at himself, goes away and immediately forgets what he looks like. 25 But whoever looks intently into the perfect law that gives freedom, and continues in it—not forgetting what they have heard, but doing it—they will be blessed in what they do. -James 1:22-25

Actively listening to what God is telling us, and responding to it obediently, revering Christ as Lord is not only a command but our form of worship. Worship flows from obedience, and obedience flows from attentive listening.

The writer of Ecclesiastes gave wise advice to the Israelites going to the temple. Strangely, that advice I believe is equally valid with us right now,.

Guard your steps when you go to the house of God. To draw near to listen is better than to offer the sacrifice of fools, for they do not know that they are doing evil. Ecclesiastes 5:1

Let’s Pray. We thank you God that you desire to communicate with us. May we learn to hear your voice, with minds and hearts attuned to understand and respond to your message. Help us to learn to do this through the people you bring into our lives. In Christ’s Name, Amen.

Thank you for listening!