Let me share a little story. I actually have before I think, but I am putting a very different spin to it here.
8 or 9 years ago, I was in a mission training activity. It was led by two senior missionaries from, what I will call, “ABCD Missions.” It is a large mission organization. I will call one of them “William” and the other “Erica.”
I was talking with Erica and talking about ABCD Missions in a way that was a bit critical but in a way that I felt was rather positive and supportive. (I am an independent missionary, not tied to any mission organization.) At a certain point, Erica jumped in and said, “Bob, well I am sorry that you have so much ill-feelings regarding ABCD Missions.”
I was actually shocked, and responded, “That is not true at all. I think that ABCD Missions is one of the most successful mission agencies in the world. I certainly don’t have ill-feelings.” At the time I felt like Erica was hyper-sensitive, and was unable to hear any concerns at all regarding ABCD Missions.
But years later, looking back, I wonder if I misunderstood the setting. The truth was I did have BIG PROBLEMS with ABCD Missions. They had made a number of (in my mind) REALLY BAD DECISIONS— decisions that hamstrung an awful lot of ministries, created distrust with partners, and hurt many of their own missions (and my friends). At the time I was talking with Erica, some of those bad decisions were still working their way through the system (leading, in fact to William and Erica being forced to “retire early,” among other things).
At the time, I felt like I was giving healthy critique for making an organization that I value to be better. And that was true….
But, not totally true. I was well familiar with ABCD Missions and their tendency to fall into the various fads that strike Evangelical missions. I felt pretty certain that unless things get real bad, the agency would continue to do the same thing. Therefore, at the time, I really wanted the agency to suffer more. I believed that more pain would ultimately lead to more healing.
But is that true? Perhaps I want them to learn and grow— actually, I certainly did want them to grow and succeed. But I also wanted the leadership to suffer. Foolish decision hurt a lot of people and I did not want the leaders to be able to ride through that storm.
Upon reflection, I don’t think I can give kind critique when I also hope that there is some hurt.
I know some people who only give positive critiques. On those rare occasions that I review a book or something, I only share positive reviews. If I really don’t like a book, I don’t review it. Part of that is that I don’t want to “hurt any feelings.” But I also don’t trust myself to give negative critique that is constructive.
I am not saying one cannot share negative critique with only positive motives. In fact, holding back negative critiques can be a great disservice. With me, however, I do realize that I have to really reflection my motives and attitudes. If I want to help, while secretly in my heart, want to hurt… I think I need to keep my mouth shut. In the story above— I think my attitude snuck out and Erica saw it. I could be wrong.
So in the title I said “When is “Kind Critique” Kind”? I suppose two things come to mind as answers.
#1. It is kind, when one’s motives and attitudes are kind— even those not fully acknowledged.
#2. It is kind, when there is an adequate and healthy relationship, such that the other can identify the kindness in the perhaps not-so-kind words.
