I am not an expert on mid-life crisis… and since I am old enough to be considered a Senior (by some people’s reckoning), I guess that I won’t ever have to become an expert.
In what I have read or interacted with, it seems like there are different ways of understanding mid-life crisis. My internet browser tells me that mid-life crisis relates to an emotional struggle of personal identity and self-confidence, and of course that it happens usually in early mid-life.
For me, I picture it different ways:
#1. Disconnect between Youthful Dreams and Present Reality. Many people when they are younger have BIG DREAMS— being the lead singer of a rock band that tours the world to accolades and packed stadiums, or being the CEO of a Fortune 500 company. The vast majority of such dreams never “pan out.” I have a friend here in the Philippines who dreamed of being a businessman and a millionaire. Upon hitting 50 years old he was growing more depressed as he realized that “it wasn’t happening.” Actually, it was happening. He did own a business, and I am sure that his assets well-surpassed a million dollars. However, I wonder if he still held onto the image of a millionaire that many of us from our generation had when young… that of Scrooge McDuck. He had his own vault of money that he could swim in whenever he wanted. That picture of his dream certainly did not align with reality, where there was the daily grind to keep the business profitable and his head above water. I suggested to him, gently perhaps, that “his dream sucked.” Oh sure, it was okay for a 15 year old, but now as a 50 year old it no longer made as much sense. Frankly, while he invested his time and energy in business, he found himself driven more and more to focus on his own family, and in ministry activities. He found great fulfillment in these. He did not need to dissolve his business; but I think he did need to redefine his idea of success.
#2. Discovering that your Youthful Dreams weren’t what you REALLY Wanted. Oscar Wilde has the quote, “When the God’s want to punish us, they answer our prayers.” Highly successful people are often surprisingly unhappy. Sometimes it can be because what they thought would be awesome prove not to be. Consider the case of King Midas being able to turn everything he touched into gold. On the other hand, some may find that material possessions, shockingly, don’t really satisfy— but often leave a dull ache for more. Public adulation can feel wonderful at first but gradually become suffocating.
#3. Being stuck developmentally while those around continue to mature. Think of the Peter Pan Syndrome— the failure to grow emotionally or behaviorally beyond a certain age. I think many of us have seen the middle-age “Frat Bro” who still thinks and acts and values like he is still in university. Often this is thought of as a “guy thing.” However, I have my doubts. When a woman acts in self-destructive ways, society tends to judge their character. When a man acts in self-destructive ways, society tends to judge their maturity. However, the two behaviors are arguably the same thing— it is just thought more accepted for men to behave badly in their late teens and early 20s.
This Peter Pan thing can show itself in other ways. I had a friend who was a youth pastor in a church. In his 50s he was still doing this and I suggested, correctly I think, that he should consider transitioning from focusing on youth and toward move toward training younger pastors in Youth Ministry. One of the key life goals should be to prepare the next generation for one’s death or retirement after all. At what point does working with youth transition from being a valuable work to “being stuck”? He agreed with me… feeling this crisis in his life— but then went right back to focusing on ministering to people now over 30 years younger than himself.
I had written a post when I turned 50 (Reflections on Meaning, Philemon and Turning 50) where I suggested, for me at least, three stages that are 25 years long. The first 25 years is about Growth or Growing Up. The second 25 years is about Success or Striving toward new achievements. The third 25 years, that I was entering at the time, is to be about Meaning and Legacy. Being 59 now, I feel this is still a useful thing for me. I see people my age or older desperate for approval, for achievements, for votes— I feel that in some ways at least, they got stuck somewhere.
Leveraging Mid-Life Crisis
My form of mid-life crisis was #2 above. I wanted to be a mechanical engineer— and I became one. I was relatively successful in it. However, I had two realizations that came together to form one crisis. The first realization came from talking to a friend of mine— Mike. At work he was talking about how he will be going home and in the evening working on an engineering project he had as a hobby. I had another friend Bill who was a consummate tinkerer turning his home into a bit of an engineering marvel. I realized that this was not me and would never be me. When I walk out of the doors of the company I worked at, I immediately turned off my engineering brain and did not turn it back on until I entered work. Related to this, I realized that in the long term, it is likely that I will fall behind (as an engineer) my fellow professionals who are engineers 24 hours a day. The second realization was one that I shared with my wife when I told her that “I work as an engineer so that I can earn money so that I can be involved in ministry.”
A couple of years later I quit my job. We sold our house and moved to the Philippines as a missionary family. Sometimes, I have had reason to wonder whether that was the best choice— best choice to put our kids through, for example. However, I do think I redeemed my mid-life crisis. It certainly beats buying a muscle car and going to concerts where I am the only one over 25.
There are a plethora of quotes that point to the relationship between crisis and opportunity. When I started seeing some of them being attributed to people like Albert Einstein and John F. Kennedy, I figured it best not try to direct quote anything directly and perpetuate a false attribution. Rather I will say,
“Mid-life Crisis is really a Mid-life Opportunity— an opportunity to reevaluate your dreams, identify places you have gotten stuck, and course correct towards a more meaningful life.”
For me, I leveraged my mid-life crisis (if one wants to call it that) to making a major course correction into full-time Christian missions. Looking back, I am absolutely shocked that I would make such a bold move— especially with a wife, a mortgage, and three children. I don’t think I could do that in my present situation. However, my present self does not feel that same disconnection between my dreams and my reality. I have a great deal of satisfaction with my life (overall). That crisis in my upper 30s motivated me to make changes that were difficult, but important.
I am well aware that some people make course corrections in the mid-life that are destructive— perhaps divorcing their wife, dumping their job and moving to a frivolous and often ultimately self-destructive lifestyle. Dumping one bad dream with another bad dream is not helpful. Throwing out the good and valuable with the bad does not help. Redeeming one’s mid-life crisis does involve divine help, and HELPFUL mentoring from friends and family. These depend on having a good relationship with God, and having friends and family who actually can serve as wise counselors.
